I do love music, all kinds, and there are many songs that speak to my soul, all for different reasons but powerful nonetheless. Sweet Caroline is forever rooted in my heart...and I want to tell you why. When I hear this song, I think of Michael. Michael was my first love. I met him when I was 18 years old. He used to whisper these words to me and quietly sing the only part of this song that he knew by heart. Tough on the outside, Michael had a heart of gold and loved fiercely. When he sang these words to me, I felt like a princess, like the only person on the planet that mattered, and in a way, I knew that for Michael this was true of me.
My sister is responsible for Michael and I meeting. You see, she had a crush on his brother and like all good sisters do, I one day accompanied her to where she knew her beloved would be. I didn't know it, but that day my life would change forever.
I was a very shy 18-year-old. (Those that know me...you can stop your jaws from dropping now.) I was not overly sure of myself and a bit awkward. I was very quiet, didn't know much about casual conversation and boys were a mystery to me. But there he was, two years older than I, long hair, do rag on his head, sun tanned arms, jeans of a working man, eyes that pierced your soul, and a mischievous smile that matched his personality perfectly. He said hello to me and I didn't fully understand it, but that was the moment I fell in love for the very first time. My heart wouldn't stop beating, I fumbled through conversation, and all I could picture were his lips on mine.
We hung out in a park with these boys for a little while and then decided to go for a drive. My sister jumped in the front seat with her guy and I, very shy indeed, got into the back with Michael. It wasn't long before he reached over and very gently took my hand. From that point forward, I was his girl. We were a very odd pairing, indeed. He was a "bad boy" and partied hard. I was prim and proper, quiet and shy, and for all intents and purposes, I was a good girl. Our romance sparked a lot of controversy in the small community that is South Troy, but I can say with complete honesty that we loved each other for 30 years, despite the fact that we did not stay together. We would love each other still, but Michael died six years ago. I was with him when he passed and I will never forget that moment. His eyes were fixated on mine. I was holding his hand, telling him it was ok for him to go. His family and I together watched him take his last breath with a tear in his eye. Within moments, a peacefulness came over him that I had not seen in in the 30 years that I knew him.
Michael was an alcoholic and despite the best efforts of those that loved him, he could not kick that habit. It is what tore our relationship apart and it is what took his life at 50 years young. It's a bit eerie that Michael knew his life would be short. He said to me often "if I make it to 50 I'll be happy." Michael was my first true love, and even though we didn't stay together those 30 years, we stayed in touch and rekindled our romance several times. We loved each other deeply no matter where our paths took us. And today when I heard this song, I took a trip down memory lane, and I smiled.
I experienced many things with Michael...all of us do with our first romance. The footprint that he left in my heart echoes still. He taught me about unconditional love. He taught me that when you love someone, you accept them, flaws and all and you love them despite their weaknesses. How could I not have learned this from him? He was a man who was perfect in my eyes, yet he was full of demons that he could not fight and my heart ignored every single one of them.
He also taught me that when you love someone, you sometimes have to walk away. Not everyone is meant to be together forever. Knowing when to end something is healthy and right, no matter how much it hurts at the time. The alcohol is what drove us apart, over and over and over again. I wanted so much for him to stop drinking but sadly, the addiction was stronger than he and I. He knew he would continue to choose alcohol over everything and everyone in his life and he begged me to live my life and find someone who could give me what he couldn't. And so I went. And I married another. And we divorced. And I dated others. And over the span of 30 years Michael and I came together for a time and then parted, always because he could not give up the one thing that would ultimately take his life.
Anyone that has ever loved an addict will understand the patterns repeated in this relationship. And I am not trying to paint this as some sort of fairy tale romance because to love an addict is hard. It is painful and it is something I would wish on no one. But that's what I mean about unconditional. I loved him despite his weaknesses and because of his weaknesses. He showed me every part of his being and WHO he was, the very essence of his soul, was far more beautiful than any amount of ugliness that the disease of addiction brings. I knew every part of him, every vulnerable emotion, every fear, every strength, the things he hated and the things he loved. What he hated was the control the alcohol had over him and his inability to let it go. What he loved was his family, was me, was sunshine, and children's laughter. He would give anyone the shirt off his back and I witnessed him do countless unselfish acts for those he loved and those he just happened upon. He had a beautiful, tortured soul, repeating the patterns of his own father, and I loved every single part of him. And I hated that I could not save him.
At the time that Michael passed, he was involved with someone else. That didn't matter to me, and seemingly it didn't matter to his family. I was who they called when they knew he was so sick it would take a miracle to keep him on this earth any more than a few weeks. I was at the hospital with him every single day. His sister (my sister in law she will always be), kept me informed and included me in every health care decision that was made. She included me in the planning of his funeral service and the day of his funeral, I sat with his family very much the presence of someone that was his love for 30 years. I will forever be grateful that I had this time with him at the end of his life. And I will forever love him.
Shortly after he passed, I dreamt about him. We were walking in a field of beautiful flowers, the sun shining, birds singing, a gentle breeze blowing. We were holding hands and as we walked, we saw many people, all waving at us and smiling. It was such a peaceful, beautiful place and I believe with every fiber of my being that this was Michael showing me where he was, that he was ok and that he was in his heaven...his place of peace where he could finally set his tortured soul free.
We have many loves in our lives. Some scar us so deeply that it makes us afraid to love again. Some we look back on with disbelief that we could ever have been involved with such a person. Others we have disdain for. Yet there are some that we were so blessed to have, that when we think of them...we can't help but to smile.
I've been blessed to have two such loves in my life. Perhaps the story of the other will come another day. For today, I celebrate Michael and the many smiles he brought me. And I know when I find love again, one thing will matter to me most...does he make me smile?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vhFnTjia_I
