So much has changed in the last two years. My physical and emotional well being is as strong as it's ever been and that makes me happy, because I know it is what you wanted. Trivial things no longer take up space in my head, at least not for very long. I don't hold on to anger, bitterness, nor obsess over things (not much anyway) in the way that I used to. And, I take more control over my time which is something that I know you longed for. Yet time cannot erase the longing that is in my heart. How I ache for our conversations...our quiet conversations when it was just you and I and we would discuss philosophy of life. I miss how you would gently remind me that I can't work all the time. I miss how you always told me how proud you were of me and on the toughest of days, I hang on to those words still, clinging to them like a toddler to their favorite blanket. Yes, I could go on and on about how much I feel your loss, still, but today I want to focus on others. So many others that I know have gone through this same loss and what is profound is how aware I was and am about their grief. Life connects us in mysterious ways and I have brothers and sisters, not related by blood, but related by loss and grief. So today I think of you, because you will have a day like today, that reminds you of your loss. Today my thoughts turn to you and my prayers are for strength and comfort for today, and every day that impacts you on your journey.
Please know this. This day will come every year and it will be hard for you. You will relive the loss over and over again and the day will bring you sadness. It's ok -- allow yourself to feel it. But don't stay there...in that place...because your loved one would not want that. Reflect on the memories, hold them dear, smile for what you now hold deep in your heart because no matter what, it can never be taken away. The time, the precious time, you shared, the smiles, the memories, the talks, they live on forever in a place that cannot be stolen. How amazing is it that we can hold those memories so dear for a life time?
The loss of a loved one affects each of us in different ways. For some, it cripples us and we wonder how we will ever find the strength to move forward. For others, it changes our perspective, our priorities, and we focus on the things in life that truly do matter. For me, it has been a combination of these things. What I have learned about grief and recovery is that it takes as long as it takes. There is no time limit under which you must "heal." Which is kind of funny to me, because I don't think you ever truly heal. Loss changes us and we will never go back to the person that we were before. I want to encourage you to use your grief to propel you forward. Life is short. Pursue your dreams. Rid toxicity. Find balance. Do the things you're afraid to do. Take the trip. Buy the shoes. Eat the cake. Each time you do, you will restore your soul more and more. And this will lead you to a place of peace, which will lead you to a place of happiness. And that will make your loved one smile, even from above.
