And Suddenly She Realized...

...she wants to be extraordinary.  Grey's Anatomy fans will know what that means instantly.  My family and friends will wonder what I'm talking about.  My colleagues will say that I already am...extraordinary.  But anyone that is on a journey to figure themselves out really doesn't get a lot of things...that is until they get them.

I must admit that I am a Grey's Anatomy fan.  I've watched every season...and thanks to Netflix am watching every season again.  I, like millions of others around the country, cursed when they killed off one half of the show's super couple.  To me it made sense immediately.  Patrick Dempsey and Shonda Rhimes had creative differences and thus "McDreamy" was going to exit the show.  What else could she do but kill off his character?  The Derek all of us grew to love would never leave his wife...not the extraordinary love that the writers took 11 seasons to tell.   Derek and Meredith are the stuff that legends are made of...and what more tragic, romantic ending to this story could there be than Derek dying?

You're probably thinking I flipped my wig.  I am obsessing over Grey's Anatomy and you might be right.  Why am I so focused on Grey's Anatomy today?  Probably because  I've been re watching it for the past couple of weeks (already up to season 5), but this time around I find myself oddly connecting with the show's heroine.  OK, now I've got you rotfl, right?  Well, me too, but read on.  I promise you it will make sense.

Meredith is extremely smart.  She is extremely gifted.  She is a brilliant surgeon.  She is an amazing and supportive friend.  She is good to her mother even though her mother was not good to her.  She lives through tragedy after tragedy never outwardly losing focus.  Ah, but she is extremely neurotic. When it comes to intimacy and personal relationships she is anything but together.  When things start to feel too real or demand that she actually commit, she runs in the opposite direction.  She has a lifetime of bad relationship choices until the one that comes along that she can't walk away from.

And Derek is soooooo dreamy.  He is hot, has just the right amount of arrogance, is brilliant, confident and understands Meredith in a way that she has never been understood before.  He is patient, until he is no longer patient, and then he slips away, starts to date another...but of course comes back again. He comes back because that's what the fans want...but inside all of us ladies know, it's because Meredith is the only one for him.

I mirror Meredith in a lot of ways.  I am smart...very smart.  I am damn good at my job.  I am a great mother, a great friend, and a great daughter.  But I am also extremely neurotic, have a lifetime of bad relationship choices, and run in the opposite direction the moment a relationship could really be the one.    It took me a long time to understand this, but my would be suitor has been telling me this for years. And every time he does, I ponder how this man seems to understand how I tick.  It's not like we dated for any extended period of time.  We met when we were both young, connected instantly and had some great times together.  The chemistry was through the roof and we have revisited it through the years.  But it's more than that.

This man gets me.  He knows I'm neurotic.  He knows I build a wall.  He knows I throw myself into work so I don't have to deal with the outside world.  And, he has seen me fall to pieces for reasons I don't think I explained to him at that time  Yet he accepted it; talked me through it; listened; was patient; and never brought it up again.

I appreciate that about him.  That he could see me in a vulnerable state, having a melt down right in front of him, and not throw it in my face at a later time.  He likes me.  All of me.  He digs that I am smart, witty, and that I can take care of myself.  But he also digs that I am neurotic and that I run in the opposite direction.  He knows why I do and is not afraid to call me on it.  He is honest, brutally honest.  He's never lied to me.  He is smart, sexy and confident.  He is deep.  Like still waters.  He writes poetry and short stories.  He is somewhat of a loner.  He has never had a great love (at least not one that he's told me about).  I take that back...his daughters, I think, are his great loves.  He likes the outdoors.  He drives a motorcycle.  He has a bird.  He hates cats but thinks dogs are cool. And he teases me about the fact that I do have two cats and a dog,,,but no man.

He took a while to find himself.  And, it seems, he is ready to be settled down and maybe, just maybe, it could be with me.  Mind you, I haven't physically seen him in years...but we've stayed connected on and off, and have consistently been talking for about six months.  He's asked to see me multiple times. And I have hesitated.  Mostly because through my father's death, I had the realization that I want to live my life a different way.  In order to do that, I need to figure myself out.  What I have learned is that I've let chemistry lead me in the past and it has not worked. I want so much more than that at this point of my life.  Something long lasting, permanent.  Based on the right things...common goals, the ability to communicate, the ability to weather the storms, and most importantly, the ability to remain faithful.

I reached out to Would be Suitor this week.  I let him know that I've had a bit of a revelation in all this work I am doing on myself.  The revelation is that he intimidates me.  He knows this.  He's known it for 20 years.  I say again, he knows how I tick.  I'm not sure how...but he knows.  He's asked me to take a leap of faith but I think what he really means is to leap into his bed naked.  And that's where I pull back.  I don't want to go down that road again...I don't want to let chemistry lead the way.  He is not so afraid of that.  He thinks it will be good for me.  He reminds me again that he digs me...as a person.  He always has.  He likes my intellect and my personality...and that he wouldn't be talking to me for the last six months, hell the last 20 years, if the only connection was a physical one.  He says all the right things.  And it scares the crap out of me.

What if...what if what I truly want...this extraordinarily painful beautiful story...has been in front of me this entire time.  Would be Suitor wasn't ready when I met him...but what if he is ready now. Holy @#$%. Meredith ran because she wasn't ready.  She came back when she got all whole and healed.

And therein lies the challenge.  I am not all whole and healed.   But I am trying.  Oh how I am trying.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwieFvjNdtQ

The Club

It's a cold morning in upstate New York.  I am shivering as I take Coco outside.  I remind myself that we've been lucky this winter.  It's been mild for all intents and purposes with no major storms as of yet, at least not from the meteorology perspective.

In my mind I am planning how to go about my day.  As I drink my morning coffee I scroll through Facebook and see all the updates that have been posted.  I generally do not go to individual pages, yet this morning I do, consciously, go to two specific pages.  These pages belong to two people I care about immensely and my visit to their page is a way of checking on them.  Why would I single out two people of the nearly 800 that are on my friend's list?  It's simple - my two friends are newly inducted members of "The Club."

Merriam Webster provides one definition of club as a group identified by some common characteristic.  And so while my two friends and I could be part of a club for various reasons, this morning we are joined in our commonality of losing a parent.  A parent that we were so very close to, a parent that loved us unconditionally, a parent that was a consistent fixture in our lives, and a parent that to us was a hero.  I know this all sounds so romanticized and a bit on the dramatic side.  I suppose that's partially because the loss is so new still.  But as I learned of the loss of these two wonderful people that meant the world to my two wonderful friends, I was keenly aware that I knew exactly how they were feeling. 

All of us have had losses in our lives, and all of us have offered words of condolences to others.  Those words take on a brand new meaning when you can truly connect with the loss.  As I communicated with my friends about their loss, my heart ached for them.  I knew that no words would take away their pain, just as I know the loss is something they will process in their own way.  And that is the funny thing about joining this club -- none of us want to be a member, but members we will be at some point in our lives.

It's different when you join The Club.  Everything is different.  Your days are different.  Your life is different.  Holidays, birthdays, a certain day of every month and then of every year, is symbolic to you. Sometimes even places you frequent, are different.  As I sit and write this, I am very aware that I along with millions of others,  are members of this Club, all processing their "membership" in their own way.

It's not a great club to belong to, but the journey that got me here was something I would not trade for anything in the world.  What do I mean by that?  I mean that I am blessed because I had a wonderful father.  We built many wonderful, happy memories, and my father's influence is with me every moment of every day.  And my two friends, I am certain, would not trade their journey for anything in the world either.  So while I could offer no words to my friends that would ease their pain, I could connect with their pain.  And they knew that, too.  There is a different understanding when you are a member of The Club.  Because of that, I will check the Facebook pages of my friends, send them notes, call them and check on them.  And I will understand how their days, their lives, birthdays, holidays and certain days of the month and year, will change.  I also know that through their grief they will manage to laugh because they, too, have many wonderful memories and I know that their parent's influence will remain with them always.  And because of their loss, I know they will understand when this loss hits another. 

I shared this poem with my friends because it brought me comfort when my dad passed.  I read it still and I do think it rings true.  So to my dad, know that I love you and miss you every single day.  I have one request...please say hello to the new members of Heaven's club.  And watch over us in the way that you always have.