...she wants to be extraordinary. Grey's Anatomy fans will know what that means instantly. My family and friends will wonder what I'm talking about. My colleagues will say that I already am...extraordinary. But anyone that is on a journey to figure themselves out really doesn't get a lot of things...that is until they get them.
I must admit that I am a Grey's Anatomy fan. I've watched every season...and thanks to Netflix am watching every season again. I, like millions of others around the country, cursed when they killed off one half of the show's super couple. To me it made sense immediately. Patrick Dempsey and Shonda Rhimes had creative differences and thus "McDreamy" was going to exit the show. What else could she do but kill off his character? The Derek all of us grew to love would never leave his wife...not the extraordinary love that the writers took 11 seasons to tell. Derek and Meredith are the stuff that legends are made of...and what more tragic, romantic ending to this story could there be than Derek dying?
You're probably thinking I flipped my wig. I am obsessing over Grey's Anatomy and you might be right. Why am I so focused on Grey's Anatomy today? Probably because I've been re watching it for the past couple of weeks (already up to season 5), but this time around I find myself oddly connecting with the show's heroine. OK, now I've got you rotfl, right? Well, me too, but read on. I promise you it will make sense.
Meredith is extremely smart. She is extremely gifted. She is a brilliant surgeon. She is an amazing and supportive friend. She is good to her mother even though her mother was not good to her. She lives through tragedy after tragedy never outwardly losing focus. Ah, but she is extremely neurotic. When it comes to intimacy and personal relationships she is anything but together. When things start to feel too real or demand that she actually commit, she runs in the opposite direction. She has a lifetime of bad relationship choices until the one that comes along that she can't walk away from.
And Derek is soooooo dreamy. He is hot, has just the right amount of arrogance, is brilliant, confident and understands Meredith in a way that she has never been understood before. He is patient, until he is no longer patient, and then he slips away, starts to date another...but of course comes back again. He comes back because that's what the fans want...but inside all of us ladies know, it's because Meredith is the only one for him.
I mirror Meredith in a lot of ways. I am smart...very smart. I am damn good at my job. I am a great mother, a great friend, and a great daughter. But I am also extremely neurotic, have a lifetime of bad relationship choices, and run in the opposite direction the moment a relationship could really be the one. It took me a long time to understand this, but my would be suitor has been telling me this for years. And every time he does, I ponder how this man seems to understand how I tick. It's not like we dated for any extended period of time. We met when we were both young, connected instantly and had some great times together. The chemistry was through the roof and we have revisited it through the years. But it's more than that.
This man gets me. He knows I'm neurotic. He knows I build a wall. He knows I throw myself into work so I don't have to deal with the outside world. And, he has seen me fall to pieces for reasons I don't think I explained to him at that time Yet he accepted it; talked me through it; listened; was patient; and never brought it up again.
I appreciate that about him. That he could see me in a vulnerable state, having a melt down right in front of him, and not throw it in my face at a later time. He likes me. All of me. He digs that I am smart, witty, and that I can take care of myself. But he also digs that I am neurotic and that I run in the opposite direction. He knows why I do and is not afraid to call me on it. He is honest, brutally honest. He's never lied to me. He is smart, sexy and confident. He is deep. Like still waters. He writes poetry and short stories. He is somewhat of a loner. He has never had a great love (at least not one that he's told me about). I take that back...his daughters, I think, are his great loves. He likes the outdoors. He drives a motorcycle. He has a bird. He hates cats but thinks dogs are cool. And he teases me about the fact that I do have two cats and a dog,,,but no man.
He took a while to find himself. And, it seems, he is ready to be settled down and maybe, just maybe, it could be with me. Mind you, I haven't physically seen him in years...but we've stayed connected on and off, and have consistently been talking for about six months. He's asked to see me multiple times. And I have hesitated. Mostly because through my father's death, I had the realization that I want to live my life a different way. In order to do that, I need to figure myself out. What I have learned is that I've let chemistry lead me in the past and it has not worked. I want so much more than that at this point of my life. Something long lasting, permanent. Based on the right things...common goals, the ability to communicate, the ability to weather the storms, and most importantly, the ability to remain faithful.
I reached out to Would be Suitor this week. I let him know that I've had a bit of a revelation in all this work I am doing on myself. The revelation is that he intimidates me. He knows this. He's known it for 20 years. I say again, he knows how I tick. I'm not sure how...but he knows. He's asked me to take a leap of faith but I think what he really means is to leap into his bed naked. And that's where I pull back. I don't want to go down that road again...I don't want to let chemistry lead the way. He is not so afraid of that. He thinks it will be good for me. He reminds me again that he digs me...as a person. He always has. He likes my intellect and my personality...and that he wouldn't be talking to me for the last six months, hell the last 20 years, if the only connection was a physical one. He says all the right things. And it scares the crap out of me.
What if...what if what I truly want...this extraordinarily painful beautiful story...has been in front of me this entire time. Would be Suitor wasn't ready when I met him...but what if he is ready now. Holy @#$%. Meredith ran because she wasn't ready. She came back when she got all whole and healed.
And therein lies the challenge. I am not all whole and healed. But I am trying. Oh how I am trying.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwieFvjNdtQ
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