These past several weeks have been busy. But that is what I do when I don't want to deal...I turn inward, focus on work, and become a bit of a recluse until I am once again ready to greet the morning sun. We all go through those periods, and we all deal with them differently. How I choose to deal is different from every one of you. What I find profound about that statement is that we're all guilty of not remembering that. We're all guilty of judging how others choose to "deal," myself included. I've also been on the other side of that - most recently this week. And while it initially stung, I do recognize that we are all unique individuals, with our own journeys, our own stories, our own pain, and our own methods of coping. So perhaps the person that lashed out at me this week for how I chose to "deal" was lashing out because that is how they deal. Perhaps their defense mechanisms leave little room for tolerance. And perhaps the best way I can show my understanding is just that - to understand.
I've been processing so much lately. Work pressures. The reality of the losses in my life. The reality of how they've impacted me on a personal and physical level. The reality of the choices I've made and the work I must do to clean it all up. It is very true that God, in whatever form you envision him to be, keeps placing things in front of us until we get it right. We all struggle with that. Things that we have ourselves so convinced that we want and need, that we justify action after action and choice after choice. Yet the longer we hang on to that "thing" the more it wreaks havoc in our lives.
I set out on a journey after my dad's passing to do things differently, to be healthier emotionally and physically, to balance my life, and to not accept anything less than what I want. Staying on this course has not been easy. I'm blessed that I have the support of many - my family first and foremost. No matter what, my family is with me and I know how much of a gift that is. Not everyone is privileged to be surrounded by people that love them, root for them, and pick them up when they fall. I have the support of my family and that is absolutely priceless. My friends. My true friends. The ones who never bat an eye when I lash out. The ones that I can sit with, tears and mascara streaming down my face, or alternatively in complete silence, and I am not judged either way. The ones that saw me in the hospital three years ago at my absolute worst and still managed to bring silly props so we could take selfies and turn a low moment into a realistic yet empowering one. My nurse friends that work in the hospital, that checked on me several times a day and that, while maybe they weren't supposed to, took the time to draw my blood because they know how difficult of a patient I can be, despite that I am so often a champion for others. (I know many of you have no idea that I was in the hospital and you want to know what happened. So let's just get it out of the way. I had bleeding ulcers - seven of them - self caused by years of abusing over the counter pain medication. My doctor warned me that the "headaches" I was getting were rebound headaches from all the medication. I didn't listen, ended up in the hospital with so much blood loss that the E.R. doctors were scratching their heads in disbelief that I was still walking and talking. Surgery, three blood transfusions and three days later, I went home. The good news - haven't really had a headache or taken any Excedrin or Advil since then. Lesson learned).
Now back to the subject at hand. It takes discipline to change your life. It takes self reflection to know that what you've settled for in the past is no longer good enough. People will remember the old you - the things that you accepted before and they will try and treat you now as they did then. I am not saying that with any kind of shade being thrown at anyone. But let's use an example. I am on a journey to get healthier physically. I am seeing a nutritionist and am on a pretty strict eating plan. Everyone that I am very close to knows this. So when you suggest that we get together for lunch, don't suggest a place that serves nothing but greasy fried burgers. I will retain the water for days from the sodium build up. Yes we used to enjoy those things - but I am on a journey now. Suggest a place that serves a nice salad.
But that's just one, very simple, example. My journey is about more than physical health. It's also about emotional health. Removing toxicity from my life and not compromising on what I truly want. This especially pertains to dating. Let's face it ladies. There are a ton of hot, sexy men out there that would jump in bed with us in a heartbeat. And that's ok if that's what you're looking for. But that's not what I'm looking for. I am beyond superficial at this stage of my life. I want commitment, a partner, someone that respects me, and someone that builds me up and likewise, someone that I build up, too. Someone that understands where I've been, where I want to go and is coming along for the ride, because they absolutely see that I am worth the effort. No, I am not perfect. I have some "stuff" that I am still trying to work out. Along this journey to make myself better, I will stumble. I will say and do the wrong thing at the wrong time and it will irritate the crap out of you. But my gosh...I am worth every amount of frustration that you may feel. Because on the flip side of that, there is this person. And she is kind. She has a beautiful soul. She is smart, funny and successful. She is independent. Fiercely independent. She has strong beliefs and stands up for them. She tries to do the right thing, every single day. She's not bad to look at. She has a pretty good sense of style. She is a great mom - not a perfect one - but a great one. She is a good daughter, a good friend, a good mentor to many. She doesn't tear other people down and in fact, daily and consciously, builds people up. She holds no prejudice. She likes the arts, embraces all kinds of music, can cook a decent meal, keeps her house pretty immaculate. She is a great conversationalist and connects well with people no matter their chosen path. She has a smile that will light up any room and eyes as blue as the sky on a clear and sunny day. She is loyal to a fault and no matter what, when you are part of her circle, she is there for you. And yet she is stubborn. So very stubborn and she will drive you absolutely insane...and you will never truly be able to forget her....
This all sounds very arrogant. But the reality of it is....I didn't always believe these things. I set out on a journey to find inner peace, to improve the quality of my life, to make positive changes that require me to make different choices. And here I am, reeling from a week where I was judged for the way I chose to "deal" with demons that surface every now and then, despite how much I try to keep them in check. I am no where near where I need to be. But the fact that I can now see my worth and not let the actions of others cripple me, is so very empowering.
No, I am no where near where I need to be, but I am in a way better place than I have ever been. And if you choose to not be with me on this journey, I accept that. And I move forward, graciously thankful for the experiences I've had that are helping to shape who I am becoming.
Yes, the reality of it is...that I didn't always see the value of me. But I see it now.
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