I know I've shared this with you before and my intent is not to keep belaboring it. But sometimes when I say it out loud, I am more gentle on myself realizing the curveballs life has thrown at me. My brother passed away due to the demons of his addiction. My best friend and colleague passed away the evening before a major event at which she would normally be the one in the forefront. Her death was tragically sudden, unanticipated. I learned of it AT the event that morning and I could not react as I had to focus on the event. I had to pull it off. I had a room full of patients and advocates who were all very close to my friend and I knew if I shared the news with them at that moment, none of us would accomplish what we needed to that day. And, in honor of my friend, I could not let her down. Yes I got through the day, seamlessly, robotic like. And I went home that evening and fell apart. Alone, with my animals and my four walls. Then the passing of my father - my hero, my role model, the most important influence in my life. I almost said most important person in my life, but I know that isn't really accurate. My son is the most important person in my life and if we were all on the Titanic and I could only save a parent or my child, I would save my child. That's what my parents would want.
I don't want to focus on all of this loss. I do want to communicate that through this challenging journey, I also lost myself. I didn't take care of me. I drowned myself in work and when I was not working, I took comfort inside the four walls of my home. I did nothing to nurture my spirit. I fell into a depression. I stopped doing the things I enjoy doing, and I shut myself off from the world. People noticed. Many people would ask me time and time again how I was and what they could do for me. My proverbial answer..."I'm fine, just crazy busy." The reality is that I wasn't fine. I am not sure when I realized that I needed to snap out of it, but at some point I did. I started seeing a therapist, once a week at first, then every two weeks and now I am happy to say every three weeks. I am not ashamed. We all have stuff that is sometimes too much for us to deal with...and there's no shame in reaching out for help. Through conversations with my therapist, I recognized the necessity to set boundaries, the beauty of saying no, the beauty of expressing grief, out loud, and the freedom that comes when you do nurture your spirit. I started doing the things I enjoy once again. I began to set boundaries. I started to focus on my health. And now I focus on the things in this life that really do matter. Spending time with family. Helping my son navigate through his challenging years of being on his own for the first time. Walking my dog. Seeing shows. Laughing. Crying. And realizing that while I am perfect by no means, I am a pretty damn good person. And that means setting boundaries of how I allow people to treat me. Doormat I am not...something that was instilled in me since childhood. I lost sight of that for a while but as they say..."I'm back!"
Not everyone is cool with me being back. Some would prefer that I be in the slump I was in. But one thing I know is this...the people that prefer you to be in a weakened state are not the people to have in your life. They do not nurture your spirit. Nor do they nurture their own. After all, what is more uplifting than to be uplifting to someone else? It's why God put us on this earth, isn't it? To love one another. You can't spread love when you spread oppression. And those that try to keep you down are oppressing you.
And so as I sit and drink my coffee this Friday morning, I am happy that I am on the right track. I am feeling the confidence that I haven't felt in a very long time. I am nurturing my soul -- one therapy appointment, one concert, one poetry reading, one walk with my dog, one afternoon spent with family, one moment of saying no, one moment of breaking out into hearty laughter, at a time. I want to thank all who are helping me "get back." We have a long way to go, but damn we've made some progress!
Love you all!
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