Constructs

I have a friend who talks about constructs.  Often.  I must admit I didn't, and still don't, fully understand what he means by this.  I get the general idea...a label that we put on our existence, a box that we build ourselves into, a way we approach our lives that I think, at least in terms of me, he feels is limiting.  In a recent telephone conversation, he said half jokingly that, when "I put my finger on my own pulse" (translation - when I stop living inside the constructs I've built for myself), he and I will be more "on the same page."  He shared further wisdom that we all have to be one way in our daytime gigs, but we have to let it down a bit after hours.  I responded that I am pretty much the same person consistently.  This, he says, has not worked for me.  Really?

I found this whole exchange to be interesting.  Ponder it I did.  I had to understand whether I do build myself into constructs that keep me stuck at any given place.  I have never viewed myself as a particularly rigid person.  But surely my friend has a point...he's known me for a very long time.  Thus I wonder...am I rigid?  Do I have a wall surrounding my existence?  Do I use "constructs" as a way to remain in a guarded state?

My friend has a construct.  He even made  a video about it.  He shared openly that in dealing with people, he basically "interviews" them to see if they will fit inside his construct. He is very strict about it and in watching this video again, I've determined that he has been "interviewing" me for months.  Testing me (for reasons I do not understand), and for all intents and purposes, I have failed every single one.  This does not bother me.  What I find curious is that he would test me when he knows I will fail.  He knows this because he knows me.  Hence to "interview" me to see if I will fit inside the walls that he has built...is really kind of pointless.  I don't say that with any kind of attitude.  Frankly, he doesn't fit inside my construct either...but isn't that what makes the world go round?

I live my life a certain way.  I don't allow negativity to affect me.  I surround myself with people and things that nurture my spirit.  I spend time with family and friends.  I work at a job I enjoy.  I volunteer for causes I believe in.  I go to concerts, plays and the bookstore.  I jump in my car and go for long drives.  I wander around small towns because they intrigue me.  I am independent.  Fiercely independent. I enjoy my own company and I'm never at a loss to find something to do.  But, I wasn't always this way.  It took me many years to build to this level of independence.  As you all know from previous posts, I wasn't always comfortable in my own skin.  Because of my insecurity, I didn't always nurture my spirit.  In this process, I sacrificed my sense of self.  It is not a sacrifice I wish to make any longer and in redefining my construct, I realize that I have an IDGAF attitude.  My friend has one, too.  I've been subjected to it on more than one occasion, as recently as this past weekend. 

Here's the thing.  For months we've been dancing around the subject of whether we can do the dating thing.  I want to approach it one way and my friend wants to approach it another.  I've gone down the road that my friend wants me to take - repeatedly - and it has not worked for me.  Sure, I've had some great (and not so great) relationships, but damn I'm too old to throw caution to the wind!  My friend knows where I'm at.  I've told him over and over again...and he has told me over and over again that he gets it and even respects it.  But then here we are...both stuck in our construct.

I really like my friend.  He has many qualities I admire.  He is smart.  He can carry a great conversation.  He challenges me to think.  He writes short stories and poetry.  He plays guitar.  He rides a motorcycle.  He makes me laugh.  He likes the outdoors and finds tranquility in nature.  He's really easy on the eyes.  He's had quite a journey in his life and because of his experiences, he understands people on a very deep level.  I really dig these things about him.  But he is stubborn.  So very stubborn.  He wants what he wants and ya know, that's kinda sexy!  But I am stubborn, too.  So I wonder...how do you move forward when you have two stubborn people, living inside constructs that have been shaped by their experiences?  Don't we have to be willing to give a little?

I've shown my willingness to give a little.  I invited my friend for dinner.  I floated the idea of a get together this past weekend. I've suggested many ways in which we could spend time together that would be low key and fun.  My friend has been amenable and just when I think we are taking a step forward, it ends up being two steps backwards.  I do not feel this is all me.  It takes two people to have a misunderstanding...and two people to fix it.

We have a history, my friend and I.  A very long history of talking for a period of time, then not, then reconnecting.  A history of seeing each other a few times, then not, then reconnecting.  We were young when we met and perhaps the construct of who we were then is overshadowing any possibility of now.  I'm not the same person today that I was then, but neither is my friend.  We don't fit inside each other's construct and I don't think I want us to.  But before you jump to conclusions, let me explain what I mean. 

Partners are supposed to compliment each other.  Help each other evolve to a better state.  How boring would it be to date the mirror image of yourself?  In the months that my friend and I have been talking, I've evolved a bit. Let my guard down a bit.  My friend knows this - he even commented on it.  He's done a little of this, too, but always shuts down on me if things don't go exactly as he envisions them.  Compromise is not something that comes easy to him.  Or at least this is my perception.  But compromise is something that we as adults must do every single day.

My friend is annoyed with me right now, and might be even a little more annoyed after he reads this post.  (Yes I am that convinced he will read it).  And that's ok.  Perhaps I'm calling him on his 'ish, as he's done with me many times.

So friend, let's get over it.  There's a long weekend coming up.  Let's spend some time watching Netflix.  You never know what can develop when you're willing to step outside of your construct and compromise.

Have a great day everyone!