Father's Day is coming. Reminders are all around us.
We see it on TV and hear it on the radio. It's flooding social
media. There are many wives, sons and daughters preparing for this day,
all wondering what they can do to honor the number one man in their
lives. And there are many, like me, who will be facing this
day in a brand-new way.
It's been nine months since my
dad passed. It doesn't seem like that much time could have gone by
and yet it is almost one full year. Almost one full year
of grieving, of celebrating holidays and birthdays without his presence,
and one full year of learning to live in a new reality. I am now keenly aware
of how a memory shared can bring both joy and sadness with the very same
teardrop.
The grieving process is
different for all of us. Some are silent in our grief. Others
speak it out loud. Some self-destruct. Others embrace faith.
Some are angry and others learn to live with the celebration of what was.
Some lean on friends and family. Others retreat into themselves. I
have done all of these things and what I have learned about the grieving
process is that it takes as long as it takes. There is no right or wrong
way to process your loss.
I've been told that I'm doing
very well. The reality is that my grieving process started three years
ago and in this process, I did self-destruct. Not intentionally and not
outwardly; only those that were closest to me noticed. It wasn’t the kind
of destruction that left me unable to function.
The destruction affected my health and while I've taken steps to get my health
back, this too is a process that will take as long as it takes. I've
learned to be gentler on myself, though, and even this is a
major victory for me.
As Father's Day draws near, the
rawness of my dad's passing has hit me once again. He won't be here this year
for me to purchase a card or a present and I wonder how the day will impact me.
It wasn't that we made a huge fuss about Father's Day. My dad was never a
very ceremonious person. He didn't want, or need, a lot of
presents or fuss. In fact, the presents I bought for him
were often on the practical side. His favorite thing to get was
something quite simple - a gift card to Home Depot. But I can't buy
him a gift card to Home Depot this year or give him a mushy card because
despite the practicality of the gifts I gave him, I chose his cards with care
because I wanted them to convey just how incredible of a dad he was to
me. I can do none of those things this year and the reality of those
words hits me like bitter, cold winter air.
I've been pondering for weeks
how to embrace this day just as I’ve been pondering all of the Father's Days
before now, wondering how my dad felt when he received his card and his
ever so practical gift. He always said there was nothing he wanted or
needed. Save my money, he would say. While
some dads embrace things like Yankee tickets, my dad was most
content fixing things and caring for his animals - those that were part of
the family and the many others that just happened to wander by. He lived
very quietly and privately and I now recognize the influence this has had
over me. I too live very quietly and privately and I wouldn’t have it any
other way. In recognizing this simple truth, I also recognize that the
true presents I gave my father were not the material ones. The "gifts"
I presented my father through the years were those that showed him he did a
pretty good job of parenting me.
All we truly want as parents is
for our children to learn to fly. We want them to chase and
accomplish their dreams. I know these are the things my father wanted for
me; to pursue the things I was passionate about. He wanted me to live my
life in a positive way and to continually learn and to grow. He wanted me
to have joy in my life. And as I wait for Father's Day and whatever
emotions this day will bring, I take comfort in knowing that I did, and
continue to, give my father the "presents" he truly wanted.
My dad was proud of me. He told
me that often. It gave me great pride to share with him the work that I
am very passionate about. Some of my greatest moments of joy were
when I introduced him at functions and simply said "this is my
dad." Thus, as I approach Father's Day this year, I know that while
there is nothing material I can buy nor will I be able to see my father, I know
he will be with me. His influence is with me every single day and I think
that that in and of itself is the greatest gift I can give him. I turned
out to be a fairly decent human being who chased and accomplished much. One
who still pursues her dreams. One who continues to learn and to
grow. One who has joy in her life. I am a mom to a wonderful young
man that I am so very proud of and my parenting skills, while not perfect, are
pretty good. I've made many mistakes in my life but I've learned
from every single one of them. I've done more good than harm.
I live simply and quietly and do my best every single day to make a
difference. In my quest to honor my dad, I renew this commitment every day.
To my dad, I want to say thank
you. Thank you for believing in me and for always encouraging me.
Thank you for picking me up every time I fell down. Thank you for giving
me the reality checks when I needed them. Thank you for pushing me when
I needed that, too, and for being gentle when you knew that’s what I needed
most. Thank you for teaching me right from wrong and for forgiving me
when I did wrong. Thank you for teaching me how to parent. More
than anything, thank you for loving me.
To everyone who faces Father’s
or Mother’s Day without your parents in your lives, know that you are not
alone. Whatever emotion this day brings for you, embrace it fully.
There is no right and no wrong way. There is no time frame under which
you must operate. Grief takes as long as it takes. It takes on
different forms and its impact is different every single day. It won't
ever go away but it will change over time. Embrace your journey. It
is yours to process in whatever way you must.
Sending love to you all. Happy Father's Day Dad. I love you and miss you so....
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