It takes me two hours to shovel my driveway, which, while I have no idea of the square footage, is large enough to park five cars. Two hours of back breaking, knee aching work. But as I shovel, I am intensely aware of the feeling of satisfaction that has come over me. I am quite content to be shoveling my driveway. In fact, I am feeling proud and accomplished to do so. Don't worry...I haven't flipped my lid. However, it wasn't so long ago that I was caught up in the pattern of selling my soul for shoveled snow.
A very strange statement, isn't it? It's true nonetheless. I will explain. For three years, I was involved in a very unhealthy relationship that for all intents and purposes, robbed me of my soul. I don't blame the man I was involved with. We are all responsible for our own actions and I own mine, but for three years I stayed with someone that every single day took a little bit more of my peace of mind. Shoveling the snow made me think of this man - not in a sad way - but in a way that reminds me of just how far I've come.
When I met "John" I found him to be very charismatic...handsome, charming, quick witted, and personable. It had been a couple of years since I dated anyone and my last relationship left me broken-hearted. I slipped into a cocoon and stayed there, focusing on nothing more than work. But then came John and had a mission...to break down the walls I surrounded myself with. I didn't know at the time that this was his game and also had no idea that I was about to dive right in to a relationship with a narcissist.
John greeted me warmly and almost instantly became attentive to my every need. He made it clear that he was "my man" and as such, was proud to take care of anything I might need. It's not that I am not capable of caring for myself. It's that I had done it for so long that I was tired. It felt good to have a man "do" for me and it did make me feel like a princess...for just a little while. Need my lawn cut? No problem. John handled it. Need painting done? On it. Need my car repaired? No worries. Need my snow shoveled? "Baby you'll never have to lift another snow shovel again."
About eight months into the relationship, we had "the talk." Exclusivity it was, even though for the last eight months I had not seen anyone else. Let's remember I hadn't dated anyone in two years and never could date multiple people anyway. Once I'm in, I'm in. However, John was dating other people when I met him and to his explanation..."we're all dating other people until we're not."
At first I thought I would just go about the relationship enjoying it for what it was. I had a very handsome man at my side when I wanted one. And I was being taken care of in a way that I hadn't been in a very long time. It seemed that I was calling the shots and it felt empowering to me. But the more I seemed to get caught up in the relationship, the more uneasy it became for me.
After we had "the talk" things seemed to shift. John went from someone enjoying the chase to someone who seemed content in his victory. He was very comfortable in the fact that I had openly declared that yes, he was my man and there would be no others. At first, it was subtle. His phone would ring and he would send it to voicemail followed by immediate texting. He became very secretive about his activities and he would get defensive...very defensive...if I dared to question him at all. I just had this feeling...this sinking feeling...that despite "the talk" he was not living up to his end of the bargain.
When women have this sixth sense thing going on, there is nothing we won't do to hunt down the truth. I became obsessed with proving myself right. Every conversation became about finding out the truth and the more I inquired, the more he lied. Blatantly lied. Accused me of being insecure. Became verbally abusive. Stormed out of the house. Ignored me for a few days. And then came back with some huge romantic gesture to prove just how much he "loved" me. The pattern would repeat and every time it did, more and more of me slipped away. That's what narcissists do, though. They eat away at your soul and in this process, they control you.
The pattern continued. There was the time I saw emails between him and someone he swore was an ex. Not true. There was the time I saw his car in front of another "ex's" apartment building and he swore he was visiting his cousin who just so happened to live in the same building. Not true. Oh, and there was a time he went to Texas for a week with another "ex". This is a trip he told me was taking to visit family. I actually believed him until I saw photos of her vacation to Texas all over Facebook. Ah the world of social media. He exploded when I confronted him and lamented that yes, he did stay in a timeshare with his "friend" but it was only because they were in Texas at the same time and it made sense to split the cost of travel. "Nothing happened," he said. Oh, and then reminded me of just how insecure I am. This seemed to be how he handled his own lies...by denying, denying, denying and by focusing the blame on me. For a while, he had me questioning my sanity and in this process, I slipped into a very dark place. I became more and more isolated and really wondered if it was my insecurity driving me to this place. I was happy, even grateful, for the crumbs I continued to receive from this man because he made me feel like I should be grateful to have anything at all.
How could I stay in a relationship that was so clearly unhealthy? I don't know. We've all done it for reasons that we will probably never fully understand. At a certain point, though, I decided that enough was enough. It was when my dad's illness progressed to the point where he was no longer able to care for himself. Something about this snapped me out of this place I was in and I became aware of the fragility of time and just how little of it we have on this earth. I no longer wanted to live my life with someone that didn't value me. That could not commit to me, truly commit to me. That thought so little of me that they could outright lie to me without batting an eye.
During visits with my father, when he had moments of clarity, he would speak to me and tell me how proud he was of me. This filled me with guilt because if he understood what I was allowing in my personal life, he would not have been proud. But I am very blessed that I had a father that didn't judge. That loved me unconditionally and in a way, I think he did know. And I think this was his way of reminding me of who he raised me to be.
I broke off this relationship and I haven't looked back since. My ex still calls me from time to time and has on occasion tried to ingratiate himself into my life once again. I very respectfully decline. This has made me feel so very proud of my strength. So, as I settle in for the evening, full of muscle soreness, I speak out loud "thank you Daddy. I am no longer selling my soul for shoveled snow."
John greeted me warmly and almost instantly became attentive to my every need. He made it clear that he was "my man" and as such, was proud to take care of anything I might need. It's not that I am not capable of caring for myself. It's that I had done it for so long that I was tired. It felt good to have a man "do" for me and it did make me feel like a princess...for just a little while. Need my lawn cut? No problem. John handled it. Need painting done? On it. Need my car repaired? No worries. Need my snow shoveled? "Baby you'll never have to lift another snow shovel again."
About eight months into the relationship, we had "the talk." Exclusivity it was, even though for the last eight months I had not seen anyone else. Let's remember I hadn't dated anyone in two years and never could date multiple people anyway. Once I'm in, I'm in. However, John was dating other people when I met him and to his explanation..."we're all dating other people until we're not."
At first I thought I would just go about the relationship enjoying it for what it was. I had a very handsome man at my side when I wanted one. And I was being taken care of in a way that I hadn't been in a very long time. It seemed that I was calling the shots and it felt empowering to me. But the more I seemed to get caught up in the relationship, the more uneasy it became for me.
After we had "the talk" things seemed to shift. John went from someone enjoying the chase to someone who seemed content in his victory. He was very comfortable in the fact that I had openly declared that yes, he was my man and there would be no others. At first, it was subtle. His phone would ring and he would send it to voicemail followed by immediate texting. He became very secretive about his activities and he would get defensive...very defensive...if I dared to question him at all. I just had this feeling...this sinking feeling...that despite "the talk" he was not living up to his end of the bargain.
When women have this sixth sense thing going on, there is nothing we won't do to hunt down the truth. I became obsessed with proving myself right. Every conversation became about finding out the truth and the more I inquired, the more he lied. Blatantly lied. Accused me of being insecure. Became verbally abusive. Stormed out of the house. Ignored me for a few days. And then came back with some huge romantic gesture to prove just how much he "loved" me. The pattern would repeat and every time it did, more and more of me slipped away. That's what narcissists do, though. They eat away at your soul and in this process, they control you.
The pattern continued. There was the time I saw emails between him and someone he swore was an ex. Not true. There was the time I saw his car in front of another "ex's" apartment building and he swore he was visiting his cousin who just so happened to live in the same building. Not true. Oh, and there was a time he went to Texas for a week with another "ex". This is a trip he told me was taking to visit family. I actually believed him until I saw photos of her vacation to Texas all over Facebook. Ah the world of social media. He exploded when I confronted him and lamented that yes, he did stay in a timeshare with his "friend" but it was only because they were in Texas at the same time and it made sense to split the cost of travel. "Nothing happened," he said. Oh, and then reminded me of just how insecure I am. This seemed to be how he handled his own lies...by denying, denying, denying and by focusing the blame on me. For a while, he had me questioning my sanity and in this process, I slipped into a very dark place. I became more and more isolated and really wondered if it was my insecurity driving me to this place. I was happy, even grateful, for the crumbs I continued to receive from this man because he made me feel like I should be grateful to have anything at all.
How could I stay in a relationship that was so clearly unhealthy? I don't know. We've all done it for reasons that we will probably never fully understand. At a certain point, though, I decided that enough was enough. It was when my dad's illness progressed to the point where he was no longer able to care for himself. Something about this snapped me out of this place I was in and I became aware of the fragility of time and just how little of it we have on this earth. I no longer wanted to live my life with someone that didn't value me. That could not commit to me, truly commit to me. That thought so little of me that they could outright lie to me without batting an eye.
During visits with my father, when he had moments of clarity, he would speak to me and tell me how proud he was of me. This filled me with guilt because if he understood what I was allowing in my personal life, he would not have been proud. But I am very blessed that I had a father that didn't judge. That loved me unconditionally and in a way, I think he did know. And I think this was his way of reminding me of who he raised me to be.
I broke off this relationship and I haven't looked back since. My ex still calls me from time to time and has on occasion tried to ingratiate himself into my life once again. I very respectfully decline. This has made me feel so very proud of my strength. So, as I settle in for the evening, full of muscle soreness, I speak out loud "thank you Daddy. I am no longer selling my soul for shoveled snow."
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