I am deep in thought over the events of the past weekend. Reflection leads me to perusing the last several weeks, last several months, last several years. As you all know, I began a journey more than a year ago, to reclaim my life, my health, my peace of mind. This journey has been fascinating in so many ways. For example, I found myself doing something this past weekend that 12 months before, I would have never done. I physically couldn't have done it...and because of those limitations, it would have never been a thought to begin with. But here we are, a year later, 118 pounds gone, and I am surrounded by a group of women, several of whom I only recently met, that provide unconditional support and motivation. Being around this group has given me a brand-new perspective on life, on myself, on my goals and my ability to achieve them. In fact, in a recent discussion with a dear friend, and a member of this group, we both shared that we have a newfound peace in our life that neither of us has felt in a long time...and for myself, I can probably say never.
My theory is this...women have a difficult time in relationship with other women. Some will read this statement and disagree, but this forum for me is about keeping it real and thus I don't hesitate to put all my 'ish out there. I struggled with female friendships all through my youth, my teenage years, my twenties and even thirties. ("Mean Girls" was not made without merit, y'all!) And yes, I get there are plenty of women who go through their lives with their bff's and don't experience anything negative, ever. But you are far and few between, my fair ladies. For many women, it starts when we are very young, intensifies in middle and high school, gets a little trickier in college and hides itself in the 20's. I honestly believe that it's not until we are in our 30's (and for some of us even later) when we finally realize that as women, we do so much better when we lift one another. It's a tough, competitive world as it is...and we all need our champions. There is something magical that happens when women champion one another. If only we learned this earlier in our lives, the world be full of strong, empowered women supporting one another!
I started a class recently. A six-week class that I invited a friend to take with me. She and I have been on the same journey of sorts and I thought she would enjoy it. At the very least, I thought it would entertain us. Neither of us anticipated the strength that we would gain from it. It isn't the content necessarily. Yes, there were some definite aha moments throughout but I've been in therapy for years so there are many things that I kind of, sort of, already have explored. What the class did was bring those things to reality once again..but with the unconditional support of my fellow "sisters." It created a safe space where we could put all of our insecurities out there with no fear of judgement. Instead we received unconditional love, right where we were. Being with my therapist is always a safe space for me but let's face it. My therapist doesn't love me. My sisters...they do! Over the course of these six weeks, new friendships formed, healing began to occur, the participants became stronger, and we all stepped outside of our comfort zone a little. The bond formed early on and the end of the six weeks, it was clear that these women were now my tribe. In fact, we are all each other's tribe. I can't quite explain the feeling that comes with it, but it's a powerful one. And it's a comforting one.
It's not that I haven't had friendships until this point of my life. I've had lots of them. And still do, but I have often struggled. Take my very best friend from high school. We were inseparable. I was the maid of honor in her wedding. She later became my son's godmother. After her separation, she decided that it was ok to sleep with my boyfriend. In the course of one weekend my world shattered. I lost my best friend. I lost a man that I was crazy about. And my son lost his Godmother. Later, I would form a close friendship with a coworker. I supported her through the loss of her mother, her divorce, and the breakup of the first relationship she had after her divorce. I got a promotion at work. She got envious. I would later form another very close friendship with a coworker. She died. (Gosh do I miss her!). What I am trying to portray is the pattern. My bff's either betrayed me...or left me. Hence, I did not have the kind of bonds with women that were portrayed on "Sex and the City" or "Waiting to Exhale." But oh, how I wanted them! Who wouldn't? The group of women represented in these fictional writings were all powerful, independent women that supported each other through triumphs and tragedies...with an equal outpouring of love. That is what I found when I happened upon my "tribe" and it has given me a source of strength that propels me forward. I know without a doubt that these women will be there to listen, lift me up, share honesty, celebrate and pass the Kleenex along with the ice cream if need be. Without hesitation. Without judgement. Without prejudice. How powerful is it to know that you've got a group of people that have your back no matter what? To have a group of people that you can be your most vulnerable with and not be afraid of the backlash? How often do we as women keep silent about our failures or don't taunt our successes because well, that would not be ladylike? How often do we defer to others in even the simplest of things such as "where do you want to go to dinner?" And, how often are we the ones to compromise in relationships...all relationships...to keep the peace even when we know inherently that there are things we shouldn't compromise on?
This is what my tribe has taught me. No, not taught, just reminded me emphatically. "I am the total f'cking package." And I deserve to live my life accordingly.
Ladies, get yourself a tribe. It will be the best gift you give yourself, ever.
PS to my tribe members...I love you and appreciate you all!
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