I'm Supposed to be a Princess

It's a cold and rainy November morning and I hesitate to take my dog out for her morning walk.  It's times like these I am reminded, rather harshly, that I don't have a partner to do the "manly" things, like take the dog out in the rain.  So here we go, Coco and me, as we do every morning.

I've been single for a long time.  A  v-e-r-y  l-o-n-g time.  I've dated, but I haven't had a relationship that was serious enough to bring around my family..  And I know my family wonders why I don't date, or wonders if I am secretly dating someone they don't know about.  And then I am sure there are the subconscious thoughts of many....She works too much...She needs to lose weight...She purposely shuts herself off.  Yes, these things are all true.  But lately I have been examining the quality of my life and how I spend my time.  I spend much of it working -- at a job that I love -- so it doesn't feel like work to me.  But it is work nonetheless.  My mind never shuts down.  I am always "on"  and for all intents and purposes, I am conveniently too busy to consider a coffee outing let alone a date.  I even had a would be suitor tell me recently that I use my job as an excuse.  This same would be suitor told me about five years ago that my job is "my drug of choice."  And yes, he was a would be suitor back then, too.  So maybe, just maybe, my would be suitor has a point.

I've been in a period of self reflection these past few months.  Anyone that goes through a loss or tragedy of some kind, I think, goes through a journey where they study their life circumstances.   One of the things my dad worried about, though he didn't communicate it in a way that made me feel bad, was that I did not have a life partner and he, too, felt that I work too much.  So on this cold and rainy November morning and during this period of self reflection, I am wondering, too, about my life choices that leave me, at the moment, unattached. 

I was raised to be self confident and an independent thinker.  I was told growing up that I could do anything I wanted to do, be anything that I wanted to be, as long as I wanted it bad enough and was willing to do what's necessary to accomplish my goal.  As I write these words I can hear my dad speaking them and I can see him perfectly, the whole scene playing out, in the kitchen of our house on Saddle Hill Road.   My dad wanted me to know that I had what it takes to succeed.  "You don't need a man to take care of you," he said.  "So make sure you marry someone who treats you as an equal."

Ah....so that's where I went wrong.

I haven't been able to find a partner that treats me as an equal, at least not an equal in the way that I would view it as an "equal."  My would be suitor has told me recently that I am "bossy."  Really?  Because I speak my mind?  Because I tell you what I do and don't want? This is what makes me "bossy?"

Would be suitor...I sincerely apologize for giving the impression that I am bossy.  I truly am not.  I am simply a woman that has certain expectations, engrained in her from childhood.  But here is the news flash in all of this...I am also someone who didn't quite get this, for a v-e-r-y  l-o-n-g time.  I love, love, love that my dad more than anything, wanted me to understand that....

* I can stand on my own
* I don't need to deal with nonsense
* That a good partner lifts me up, not tears me down
* That someone who is not treating me the way I deserve to be treated, is not worthy of me

And while it took me years of  inappropriate partners, as I reflect on my life now, I am faced with the challenges I made but blessed with the knowledge that I will do better.  Did I always choose partners that treated me as my father would have me treated?  Nope.  And that is why, after raising my son, I find myself still single.

The beauty of this self reflection is this.   I was raised to be a Princess.   Nope, make that a Queen.  No one but a king who treats me as I was raised to be treated will do.  Dad, I didn't always understand this as a young woman.  But I certainly understand it now.  And so I say to any would be suitor....treat me as a Queen or you cannot even be part of my court.

Yes, Dad.  I understand.  And oh how I miss you so...