The last couple of years have been very difficult for me on a personal level. I've encountered the loss of three people that I loved dearly...my brother, my best friend and my beloved father. All of them rocked me to the core, but the loss of my father is a pain that runs so incredibly deep. My father was ill for a very long time, but as anyone with a loved one that suffers through a progressive illness will tell you, as prepared as you are, you are never prepared. It is more difficult as the holidays approach and we are forced to be festive despite our heavy hearts. And so in keeping with the traditions that everyone is encouraging us to do, we are decorating the tree, shopping for gifts, commenting on the beauty of the holiday lights throughout the region, and partaking in Christmas classics such as the beloved movie starring James Stewart and Donna Reed. If you have seen this movie, even once, you walk away feeling uplifted. That's why it's a favorite...time and time again.
My young companions had never seen the movie and at the end, they were delighted. I take that back - the six year old fell asleep but her mom was feeling so very happy at the end of the movie, I must admit that it brought me joy to be able to share this with her. We decided that we did not want the evening to end and we were all hungry, so off to the diner we went. There is something I love about diners. But more on that in another posting!
We sat and very enthusiastically discussed the movie. My friend likes to ask very thought provoking questions. This particular evening she asked me if I thought my son was happy. This question took me a bit by surprise, but I pondered for a few moments and answered...."I know he has some challenging days because we all do. But he has a job that he loves. His own apartment. A girlfriend. Pets to enjoy, and he and his girl are always doing fun things. I think comparatively, he is happy, though he may not experience joy every moment of every day." This seemed to satisfy her for the moment. As for me, I was praying to myself that my answer was correct, because as parents we can't possibly know all things about our children, especially our adult children. I will admit, I prayed extra hard that evening for God's blessing over my son. She then lamented that she is learning to be happy. I won't divulge my friend's life circumstances, but I will tell you that I admire her courage and grace. But her words "learning to be happy" struck a nerve with me. I've been in a sort of metamorphosis since my dad's passing and I, too, think that I am learning to be happy. It is not that I am unhappy. It is that I've put up a wall around me that has prevented many people from becoming too close to me. I know this because my therapist is helping me to see this. I am not embarrassed at all to admit that I go to therapy. In fact, I highly recommend it for everyone...but more on that in another post!
Back to the wall. Now that my therapist is opening my eyes to this, I recall all the times this has been said to me by others. My would be suitor. My friend Marie who very clearly asked me why I don't open up to her and then reminded me that she loves me and is always there for me. My friend LJ who calls out of the blue to tell me she is thinking of me, and I wonder how she knows I am feeling off, yet I tell her all is well. My friend Heather will also call out of the blue to check in on me and she always tells me she loves me, and while I don't know that I've ever told her, it always makes me smile. There are countless others also who check in on me, send me text messages, emails, etc., just to say hello. They want nothing from me, other than just to know that I am well. When I think about this, I am in awe of the many people that are there for me, if I simply let them be. I spend so much of my time shielding my own emotions from others, that I've completely shielded me from those that care for me. And isn't this what George did in the movie? He shielded his woes from all those who care for him. Thank goodness that he had Clarence to show him how blessed he was. And so as my friend told me that she is learning to be happy, I lament to her that it is always a process. But in this process, if we can embrace all of the Clarences we have in our lives, we don't ever have to walk the path alone. In the movie Clarence said "no man is a failure who has friends." I'd like to expand on that a bit and say that no one is a failure who has Clarences in their lives. And I have many. And I a blessed. It is...a wonderful life.
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