And Suddenly She Realized...

...she wants to be extraordinary.  Grey's Anatomy fans will know what that means instantly.  My family and friends will wonder what I'm talking about.  My colleagues will say that I already am...extraordinary.  But anyone that is on a journey to figure themselves out really doesn't get a lot of things...that is until they get them.

I must admit that I am a Grey's Anatomy fan.  I've watched every season...and thanks to Netflix am watching every season again.  I, like millions of others around the country, cursed when they killed off one half of the show's super couple.  To me it made sense immediately.  Patrick Dempsey and Shonda Rhimes had creative differences and thus "McDreamy" was going to exit the show.  What else could she do but kill off his character?  The Derek all of us grew to love would never leave his wife...not the extraordinary love that the writers took 11 seasons to tell.   Derek and Meredith are the stuff that legends are made of...and what more tragic, romantic ending to this story could there be than Derek dying?

You're probably thinking I flipped my wig.  I am obsessing over Grey's Anatomy and you might be right.  Why am I so focused on Grey's Anatomy today?  Probably because  I've been re watching it for the past couple of weeks (already up to season 5), but this time around I find myself oddly connecting with the show's heroine.  OK, now I've got you rotfl, right?  Well, me too, but read on.  I promise you it will make sense.

Meredith is extremely smart.  She is extremely gifted.  She is a brilliant surgeon.  She is an amazing and supportive friend.  She is good to her mother even though her mother was not good to her.  She lives through tragedy after tragedy never outwardly losing focus.  Ah, but she is extremely neurotic. When it comes to intimacy and personal relationships she is anything but together.  When things start to feel too real or demand that she actually commit, she runs in the opposite direction.  She has a lifetime of bad relationship choices until the one that comes along that she can't walk away from.

And Derek is soooooo dreamy.  He is hot, has just the right amount of arrogance, is brilliant, confident and understands Meredith in a way that she has never been understood before.  He is patient, until he is no longer patient, and then he slips away, starts to date another...but of course comes back again. He comes back because that's what the fans want...but inside all of us ladies know, it's because Meredith is the only one for him.

I mirror Meredith in a lot of ways.  I am smart...very smart.  I am damn good at my job.  I am a great mother, a great friend, and a great daughter.  But I am also extremely neurotic, have a lifetime of bad relationship choices, and run in the opposite direction the moment a relationship could really be the one.    It took me a long time to understand this, but my would be suitor has been telling me this for years. And every time he does, I ponder how this man seems to understand how I tick.  It's not like we dated for any extended period of time.  We met when we were both young, connected instantly and had some great times together.  The chemistry was through the roof and we have revisited it through the years.  But it's more than that.

This man gets me.  He knows I'm neurotic.  He knows I build a wall.  He knows I throw myself into work so I don't have to deal with the outside world.  And, he has seen me fall to pieces for reasons I don't think I explained to him at that time  Yet he accepted it; talked me through it; listened; was patient; and never brought it up again.

I appreciate that about him.  That he could see me in a vulnerable state, having a melt down right in front of him, and not throw it in my face at a later time.  He likes me.  All of me.  He digs that I am smart, witty, and that I can take care of myself.  But he also digs that I am neurotic and that I run in the opposite direction.  He knows why I do and is not afraid to call me on it.  He is honest, brutally honest.  He's never lied to me.  He is smart, sexy and confident.  He is deep.  Like still waters.  He writes poetry and short stories.  He is somewhat of a loner.  He has never had a great love (at least not one that he's told me about).  I take that back...his daughters, I think, are his great loves.  He likes the outdoors.  He drives a motorcycle.  He has a bird.  He hates cats but thinks dogs are cool. And he teases me about the fact that I do have two cats and a dog,,,but no man.

He took a while to find himself.  And, it seems, he is ready to be settled down and maybe, just maybe, it could be with me.  Mind you, I haven't physically seen him in years...but we've stayed connected on and off, and have consistently been talking for about six months.  He's asked to see me multiple times. And I have hesitated.  Mostly because through my father's death, I had the realization that I want to live my life a different way.  In order to do that, I need to figure myself out.  What I have learned is that I've let chemistry lead me in the past and it has not worked. I want so much more than that at this point of my life.  Something long lasting, permanent.  Based on the right things...common goals, the ability to communicate, the ability to weather the storms, and most importantly, the ability to remain faithful.

I reached out to Would be Suitor this week.  I let him know that I've had a bit of a revelation in all this work I am doing on myself.  The revelation is that he intimidates me.  He knows this.  He's known it for 20 years.  I say again, he knows how I tick.  I'm not sure how...but he knows.  He's asked me to take a leap of faith but I think what he really means is to leap into his bed naked.  And that's where I pull back.  I don't want to go down that road again...I don't want to let chemistry lead the way.  He is not so afraid of that.  He thinks it will be good for me.  He reminds me again that he digs me...as a person.  He always has.  He likes my intellect and my personality...and that he wouldn't be talking to me for the last six months, hell the last 20 years, if the only connection was a physical one.  He says all the right things.  And it scares the crap out of me.

What if...what if what I truly want...this extraordinarily painful beautiful story...has been in front of me this entire time.  Would be Suitor wasn't ready when I met him...but what if he is ready now. Holy @#$%. Meredith ran because she wasn't ready.  She came back when she got all whole and healed.

And therein lies the challenge.  I am not all whole and healed.   But I am trying.  Oh how I am trying.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwieFvjNdtQ

The Club

It's a cold morning in upstate New York.  I am shivering as I take Coco outside.  I remind myself that we've been lucky this winter.  It's been mild for all intents and purposes with no major storms as of yet, at least not from the meteorology perspective.

In my mind I am planning how to go about my day.  As I drink my morning coffee I scroll through Facebook and see all the updates that have been posted.  I generally do not go to individual pages, yet this morning I do, consciously, go to two specific pages.  These pages belong to two people I care about immensely and my visit to their page is a way of checking on them.  Why would I single out two people of the nearly 800 that are on my friend's list?  It's simple - my two friends are newly inducted members of "The Club."

Merriam Webster provides one definition of club as a group identified by some common characteristic.  And so while my two friends and I could be part of a club for various reasons, this morning we are joined in our commonality of losing a parent.  A parent that we were so very close to, a parent that loved us unconditionally, a parent that was a consistent fixture in our lives, and a parent that to us was a hero.  I know this all sounds so romanticized and a bit on the dramatic side.  I suppose that's partially because the loss is so new still.  But as I learned of the loss of these two wonderful people that meant the world to my two wonderful friends, I was keenly aware that I knew exactly how they were feeling. 

All of us have had losses in our lives, and all of us have offered words of condolences to others.  Those words take on a brand new meaning when you can truly connect with the loss.  As I communicated with my friends about their loss, my heart ached for them.  I knew that no words would take away their pain, just as I know the loss is something they will process in their own way.  And that is the funny thing about joining this club -- none of us want to be a member, but members we will be at some point in our lives.

It's different when you join The Club.  Everything is different.  Your days are different.  Your life is different.  Holidays, birthdays, a certain day of every month and then of every year, is symbolic to you. Sometimes even places you frequent, are different.  As I sit and write this, I am very aware that I along with millions of others,  are members of this Club, all processing their "membership" in their own way.

It's not a great club to belong to, but the journey that got me here was something I would not trade for anything in the world.  What do I mean by that?  I mean that I am blessed because I had a wonderful father.  We built many wonderful, happy memories, and my father's influence is with me every moment of every day.  And my two friends, I am certain, would not trade their journey for anything in the world either.  So while I could offer no words to my friends that would ease their pain, I could connect with their pain.  And they knew that, too.  There is a different understanding when you are a member of The Club.  Because of that, I will check the Facebook pages of my friends, send them notes, call them and check on them.  And I will understand how their days, their lives, birthdays, holidays and certain days of the month and year, will change.  I also know that through their grief they will manage to laugh because they, too, have many wonderful memories and I know that their parent's influence will remain with them always.  And because of their loss, I know they will understand when this loss hits another. 

I shared this poem with my friends because it brought me comfort when my dad passed.  I read it still and I do think it rings true.  So to my dad, know that I love you and miss you every single day.  I have one request...please say hello to the new members of Heaven's club.  And watch over us in the way that you always have. 

It's a Wonderful Life

Good morning blogger land!  Fresh off a great night's sleep and prior to my crazy running around today, I am still smiling from the delightful time I had last night hanging with two of my favorite ladies.  We spent the night enjoying a Christmas classic on the big screen - "It's a Wonderful Life" - and it was just as enchanting as the other 24 times I've seen it.  It was, however, the first for my two lady companions.  One is just six years old; the other 27.  I point this out only to show that my 27 year old friend is young enough to be my daughter, and the six year old, her daughter, could be my grandchild.  But we don't roll like that.  I am the "auntie" to the six year old and the confidante to the 27 year old.   Why am I sharing this?  I assure you...I have a point.

The last couple of years have been very difficult for me on a personal level.  I've encountered the loss of three people that I loved dearly...my brother, my best friend and my beloved father.  All of them rocked me to the core, but the loss of my father is a pain that runs so incredibly deep.  My father was ill for a very long time, but as anyone with a loved one that suffers through a progressive illness will tell you, as prepared as you are, you are never prepared.  It is more difficult as the holidays approach and we are forced to be festive despite our heavy hearts.  And so in keeping with the traditions that everyone is encouraging us to do, we are decorating the tree, shopping for gifts, commenting on the beauty of the holiday lights throughout the region, and partaking in Christmas classics such as the beloved movie starring James Stewart and Donna Reed.  If you have seen this movie, even once, you walk away feeling uplifted.  That's why it's a favorite...time and time again.

My young companions had never seen the movie and at the end, they were delighted.  I take that back - the six year old fell asleep but her mom was feeling so very happy at the end of the movie, I must admit that it brought me joy to be able to share this with her.  We decided that we did not want the evening to end and we were all hungry, so off to the diner we went.  There is something I love about diners.  But more on that in another posting!

We sat and very enthusiastically discussed the movie. My friend likes to ask very thought provoking questions.  This particular evening she asked me if I thought my son was happy.  This question took me a bit by surprise, but I pondered for a few moments and answered...."I know he has some challenging days because we all do.  But he has a job that he loves. His own apartment.  A girlfriend.  Pets to enjoy, and he and his girl are always doing fun things.  I think comparatively, he is happy, though he may not experience joy every moment of every day."  This seemed to satisfy her for the moment.  As for me, I was praying to myself that my answer was correct, because as parents we can't possibly know all things about our children, especially our adult children.  I will admit, I prayed extra hard that evening for God's blessing over my son.  She then lamented that she is learning to be happy.  I won't divulge my friend's life circumstances, but I will tell you that I admire her courage and grace.  But her words "learning to be happy" struck a nerve with me.  I've been in a sort of metamorphosis since my dad's passing and I, too, think that I am learning to be happy.  It is not that I am unhappy.  It is that I've put up a wall around me that has prevented many people from becoming too close to me.  I know this because my therapist is helping me to see this.  I am not embarrassed at all to admit that I go to therapy. In fact, I highly recommend it for everyone...but more on that in another post!

Back to the wall.  Now that my therapist is opening my eyes to this, I recall all the times this has been said to me by others.  My would be suitor.  My friend Marie who very clearly asked me why I don't open up to her and then reminded me that she loves me and is always there for me.  My friend LJ who calls out of the blue to tell me she is thinking of me, and I wonder how she knows I am feeling off, yet I tell her all is well.  My friend Heather will also call out of the blue to check in on me and she always tells me she loves me, and while I don't know that I've ever told her, it always makes me smile.  There are countless others also who check in on me, send me text messages, emails, etc., just to say hello.  They want nothing from me, other than just to know that I am well.  When I think about this, I am in awe of the many people that are there for me, if I simply let them be.  I spend so much of my time shielding my own emotions from others, that I've completely shielded me from those that care for me.  And isn't this what George did in the movie?  He shielded his woes from all those who care for him.  Thank goodness that he had Clarence to show him how blessed he was.  And so as my friend told me that she is learning to be happy, I lament to her that it is always a process.  But in this process, if we can embrace all of the Clarences we have in our lives, we don't ever have to walk the path alone.  In the movie Clarence said "no man is a failure who has friends."  I'd like to expand on that a bit and say that no one is a failure who has Clarences in their lives.  And I have many.  And I a blessed.  It is...a wonderful life.

I'm Bossy After All

In my last posting I shared my thoughts about being unattached.  I even admitted, albeit a bit sheepishly, that my would be suitor just may have me pegged.  He is, after all, someone I've known for a v-e-r-y l-o-n-g time.  We met when my son was 5 years old and have managed to stay in touch all this time.  When I talk with him, I am always ensured easy conversation, lots of laughs, and a bit of a reality check, because my would be suitor doesn't mince words.  I think that's what I like about him.  There are other characteristics for sure, but the directness at which he communicates is something I appreciate.

I was very excited to share my post with him since he was referenced in it.  I thought he would find it amusing, and that he did.  He was especially amused with the part where I lamented that my job has conveniently left me too busy to date.  This admission validated everything he's been telling me for some 20 plus years.  Yet despite his amusement at the posting, he still said, unapologetically, "you're bossy."  I protested, yet he continued...."you're bossy 'cause you're a boss." 

Intrigued by this statement, I set out on a mission to determine if my would be suitor, in all his infinite wisdom, is right once again.  There is no question, I am a boss.  I run an organization and have people that that I am responsible for managing, and hundreds of others that volunteer their time, all of whom I must keep motivated and engaged in our mission.  So in that sense, yes I am a boss.  But I don't consider myself to be overly "bossy."  I set the framework for what needs to be accomplished, and unless they need constant supervision (more on that another time), I trust that they will accomplish and even exceed their goals.  Of course we do the check ins, the progress reports, and I am available to assist, answer questions and provide direction, but I do pride myself on giving employees the flexibility they need to excel in their tasks.  The best possible thing I can do for anyone that works for me is to teach them enough that they could leave and get a better job than the one they have now.  This is how I know I've done my job of mentoring them.  But I am fortunate that for the most part, people that work for me have stayed.  They've learned and they've grown and they've been able to excel within my organization, and so I think I am a pretty decent "boss."  Yet still, I don't consider myself to be "bossy."  But, my would be suitor knows me well, so surely he must have a point.

Off to the dictionary I go.  I find the following definitions of "bossy."

:  inclined to domineer :  dictatorial

— boss·i·ness noun

 

definition of bossy for kids

: liking to order people around

 

Well, maybe, but not so much.  So further digging I do.  I decide to focus on the latter of his statement, "cause you're a boss" and find the following:

Definition of Boss

a person who exercises control or authority; specifically one who directs or supervises workers

OK, now we're getting somewhere.  I am still hung up on the fact that would be suitor says I am bossy.  In my quest to fully understand what he means, I refer to one of my favorite dictionaries on the planet...the Urban Dictionary.  And, this is what I find:

bossy
Describes a girl who is the alpha-female or the queen bee. She is gettin paid, stayin fly, and is the leader of her crew. Respected by all, loved by some.

the epitome of coolness

 

beautiful, attractive, cool, stylin', all around great

 

a word used to describe the ultimate cool

 

Light bulb just went on!  Would be suitor knows what he's talking about.  I am bossy after all!  Respected by all, loved by some, and the epitome of the ultimate cool!  Yes, yes, yes, I am bossy after all.  All I can say now when you refer to me as "bossy" is....thank you!  I may never again question any statement that you make to me.  Who am I kidding...I will question everything because I am inquisitive by nature.  But, I think that's one of the things you like about me.

 

And would be suitor....you owe me a phone call. 

 

 

 

 

I'm Supposed to be a Princess

It's a cold and rainy November morning and I hesitate to take my dog out for her morning walk.  It's times like these I am reminded, rather harshly, that I don't have a partner to do the "manly" things, like take the dog out in the rain.  So here we go, Coco and me, as we do every morning.

I've been single for a long time.  A  v-e-r-y  l-o-n-g time.  I've dated, but I haven't had a relationship that was serious enough to bring around my family..  And I know my family wonders why I don't date, or wonders if I am secretly dating someone they don't know about.  And then I am sure there are the subconscious thoughts of many....She works too much...She needs to lose weight...She purposely shuts herself off.  Yes, these things are all true.  But lately I have been examining the quality of my life and how I spend my time.  I spend much of it working -- at a job that I love -- so it doesn't feel like work to me.  But it is work nonetheless.  My mind never shuts down.  I am always "on"  and for all intents and purposes, I am conveniently too busy to consider a coffee outing let alone a date.  I even had a would be suitor tell me recently that I use my job as an excuse.  This same would be suitor told me about five years ago that my job is "my drug of choice."  And yes, he was a would be suitor back then, too.  So maybe, just maybe, my would be suitor has a point.

I've been in a period of self reflection these past few months.  Anyone that goes through a loss or tragedy of some kind, I think, goes through a journey where they study their life circumstances.   One of the things my dad worried about, though he didn't communicate it in a way that made me feel bad, was that I did not have a life partner and he, too, felt that I work too much.  So on this cold and rainy November morning and during this period of self reflection, I am wondering, too, about my life choices that leave me, at the moment, unattached. 

I was raised to be self confident and an independent thinker.  I was told growing up that I could do anything I wanted to do, be anything that I wanted to be, as long as I wanted it bad enough and was willing to do what's necessary to accomplish my goal.  As I write these words I can hear my dad speaking them and I can see him perfectly, the whole scene playing out, in the kitchen of our house on Saddle Hill Road.   My dad wanted me to know that I had what it takes to succeed.  "You don't need a man to take care of you," he said.  "So make sure you marry someone who treats you as an equal."

Ah....so that's where I went wrong.

I haven't been able to find a partner that treats me as an equal, at least not an equal in the way that I would view it as an "equal."  My would be suitor has told me recently that I am "bossy."  Really?  Because I speak my mind?  Because I tell you what I do and don't want? This is what makes me "bossy?"

Would be suitor...I sincerely apologize for giving the impression that I am bossy.  I truly am not.  I am simply a woman that has certain expectations, engrained in her from childhood.  But here is the news flash in all of this...I am also someone who didn't quite get this, for a v-e-r-y  l-o-n-g time.  I love, love, love that my dad more than anything, wanted me to understand that....

* I can stand on my own
* I don't need to deal with nonsense
* That a good partner lifts me up, not tears me down
* That someone who is not treating me the way I deserve to be treated, is not worthy of me

And while it took me years of  inappropriate partners, as I reflect on my life now, I am faced with the challenges I made but blessed with the knowledge that I will do better.  Did I always choose partners that treated me as my father would have me treated?  Nope.  And that is why, after raising my son, I find myself still single.

The beauty of this self reflection is this.   I was raised to be a Princess.   Nope, make that a Queen.  No one but a king who treats me as I was raised to be treated will do.  Dad, I didn't always understand this as a young woman.  But I certainly understand it now.  And so I say to any would be suitor....treat me as a Queen or you cannot even be part of my court.

Yes, Dad.  I understand.  And oh how I miss you so...

The Christmas List

One of the things I love to do is write.  Sometimes I write more eloquently than I speak.  Of course I do!  Writing allows us to review our thoughts before we finalize them.  If we all chewed on our words a little more before we spit them out, perhaps the world would be kinder after all.  But I digress....

I recently lost my father.  I know I'm not the only one that has lost a parent, but it feels like I'm the only one.  My dad and I were very close and I know there are many, many others who feel the same after suffering such an immense loss.  But I find myself in the odd position of not knowing how or when to express the loss that I feel.  Professionally, I spend my days supporting others.  Listening, lifting others up, instilling hope, tackling projects with passion because I so much want to help.  But for all the times I've known magically just what to say to someone who is struggling, I am lost as to how to communicate what I am thinking, feeling and needing.  I am hoping that through the gift of writing, I will find an outlet and maybe, just maybe, will help others along the way.

It's a tough time of the year for a lot of us.  It is harder for those trying to celebrate while grieving the loss of someone they loved so much.  The realness of my dad not being here hits me at the most odd of times.  I can be laughing one moment and crying in the very next breath.  I try to contain it, but I feel like in doing so, I am doing a disservice to my dad.  He is worthy, after all, of my public expression of how immense this loss is.  So why, then, do I try to contain it?  Probably for the benefit of others.  But in doing this, for the benefit of others, I really do nothing for the benefit of me.  If I preach anything to those I spend my days caring for, it is that you must take care of yourself.  You must do those things that nurture your spirit....there is nothing selfish in that.

I made my Christmas list a couple of weeks ago.  I do this every year - make a list of all the people I am going to buy gifts for and then list out what I have or what I am going to buy for them.  It helps me keep track.  In making my list, I automatically made an entry for "Dad."   The realness of that moment was too much for me.  Dad would not be here this year and there was no material thing I could purchase for him.  Yet I could not bring myself to remove him from the list, so there he stays.  Is this just a way of torturing myself?  I  have found it to be a healing gesture.  My dad's passing has brought me a new found understanding of the things that are important.  I no longer stress the deadlines and the pressure.  I realize that the world isn't going to fall apart if my to do list doesn't get entirely done every day.  I find myself more conscious of the beauty of the sun and the crispness in the air.   I appreciate more the gift of my parents and step parents.  I find that in communication with my son, I try to lecture less and reason more.  I am aware that I have had a privileged and blessed life and I thank God for that, out loud, every single day.  And I am aware that some days I won't be able to move off of the couch and I know that, too, is ok.  A gift to be embraced and every single emotion felt.  Those who grieve deeply have loved deeply.   There is no greater blessing in this life.  And so on my Christmas list my dad will remain.  And every day I will consciously do something that I think will make him proud.  And on Christmas Day I will make a charitable contribution in his honor.  And isn't it funny that for all the "things" I've purchased him through the years that he accepted graciously even though he didn't really need them, in his passing I will probably give him the gift he would be most proud of.  The understanding that in this life, we are blessed with the opportunity to live.  And it's how we spend the days, not how we reach the deadlines, that matter.

Let the blessings of the holiday season begin...